Yeah like 1 text-based game made with SBCL and LTK, which is more like a tech demo. Not sure what you are getting at. This game is shitty af no offence.
The other 3 games might be shitty sure but they can at least qualify as some sort of game.
So, f*ck off.
Nin, I really appreciate you going out on a limb and being like grr to this guy but no one needs to be blacklisted by anyone.
I am fully aware some people feel I suck and I don't want to destroy people's careers or anything like that just because they told me what they honestly think about how I make games.
Honestly their comments are far kinder than the response I thought this game would get. It's okay.
I'm going to be honest, I thought about your comment a lot.
Structurally, parts of the game would have made more sense as an essay, such as the first few minutes of the game. Other parts genuinely would have been better as a graphic novel.
The issue is that some parts of the game only make sense and work in the format of games. There is no spoiler key I think in itch comments. I don't want to spoiler my own game but some parts of it would only have worked in game format.
The vending machine, sample taking, 7-11 scene, the inbox, and the walk home absolutely only work in the context of games interaction. They were verb actions and only work in the medium known as "games".
This work was messy because it combined graphic novel, essay, and verb actions into a broadly based "games" format.
You are right that it absolutely right that it isn't entirely a verb based game like how puyo puyo or tetris would be. I still think it has value and other people believe that as well.
I also want to note, I'm going to keep making stuff however I feel fit. It is not your choice to determine how or what I make.
I'm not good at English, but I really like this game,like the color design and choice design, I can't describe my feeling exactly. I hope you will be ok.
Thank you for making and sharing this. I hope it has eased some of the pain in some way. It's a real and beautiful game and im so sorry about everything you went through, both stuff in this game and not
Made me tear up. Beautiful game filled with horrifying memories. The portrayal of some scenes was gut-wrenching. My deepest respect to you for making that game. I hope you are doing well
Amazing game. I just love it. It really is a 30-minute trip into pieces of memories, intimacy and traumas. It is a moving game and a powerful story. Thank you for sharing this publicly. I know this game was difficult and challenging to create for you and I’m happy I’ve played through it. GB Studio is perfect for this type of game too. Congratulations!!!
This is absolutely unrelenting. Where some might time skip because it might be too uncomfortable, you continued. The quietness works so well toward that. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
It is okay to take your time to process it. Someday I would like to hear your thoughts but also if you end up being busy or life happens that is cool too.
I know you are busy and it means a ton to me that you took the time to play it so soon after launch.
"I didn't feel different. I was just here like I've always been."
This was, in a word, difficult. It's impossible not to go through this without thinking at one point or another how bad something sounds, and quite often, for conflicting reasons. It does an incredible job of sharing a problem, but not forcing it, even if it's on a topic that is far too real to call 'well constructed'. The objective stance taken on several things, despite how easy it would be to turn any one of them into some kind of mouthpiece for an agenda, is beyond admirable.
And the ability not to blame others, even more so.
Sharing your experience like this will undoubtedly bring a slew of people lying about their own just to relate to it better or for attention, but plenty of others with real trauma just like this will also see it. Sifting through the false and real accounts or not, something like this might just save a life, be it from death or just trauma, and that's an incredible thing. It likely doesn't make what you went through any easier, but at least you know that in one way or another, you're helping people.
Thank you for your kind words. I honestly thought that no one would play this game. While making it, I thought that no one wants to hear depressing stuff but I kept going because I wanted to overcome my shame.
Keeping a secret until you die is a horrible way to live. Thank you for taking the time to play this to the end and seeing value in this.
There's often value in silence, but even more so in breaking it. It just depends on who you break it to. I don't doubt that most people try to avoid depressing things like this, but those that don't have a lot to glean from it, both good and bad. It's very real, and very powerful to those willing to give it the time it deserves.
I'm so glad you don't have to live with that secret any longer, and even if it is just through an online medium, I'm happy that you were able to share it with far more people than you could have expected. I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope that your struggles, efforts to share them, and future endeavors are met with success.
I'm grateful to have shared in your experiences in such a beautiful and honest way. I have experiences not unlike yours shared this game and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my struggles and my trauma.
You're not alone, you can and will be loved, and I hope and trust that you will come to let yourself be loved.
I look forward to more of your stories and more of your games
After a lot of years I forgot that I wasn't alone and my experiences weren't uncommon.
It's easy to be safe and avoid people rather than connect on a deeper level, I hope someday I can love and be loved by someone. For now though, making games is enough. I am glad we both get to share the path of being artists.
This is powerful. I hope ypu find a measure of peace and catharsis in sharing. My own traumas have given me issues with self esteem I won't get into, and the way you phrased yours made me feel something strong. I don't know WHAT exactly, but big. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thank you so much for playing this. I'm glad it was able to mean something and have something good come out of it.
Honestly part of making this was converting trauma that's meaningless and shameful into something that idk has value and meaning and I can't articulate it but something?
I feel a lot less shame and it helped me, I'm really grateful it did something for you as well.
Thank you so much! I see you around in games spaces and idk, it's nice hearing from you and seeing your stuff too.
(Sorry if my message is a little off, I'm currently doing queer games bundle rush too and I'm just running on fumes but it's neat hearing from you again!)
Thank you for sharing this. I have been a fan of your works for awhile now, and this was deeply impactful in a way thats hard to articulate without sounding preachy or condescending. What I can sincerely say is that I'm happy I played it. This kind of pain is not easy to talk about, let alone live with. I genuinely hope you are in a better place now, and that the creation of this game has contributed to that.
I am in a stable enough place that I feel safe to process this stuff. Being able to make games gives my life a lot of meaning and I'm grateful I get to do so.
I'm glad you've been playing my stuff for a while, that means a lot. I hope you'll continue to do so. My next game is probably not going to be too deep because I need something fun maybe? Idk
I am grateful you get to make games as well. I will be sticking around no matter if your stuff in the future is fun or not : > Glad you are doing well!
I am stable and safe which is enough. I'm not sure I have a bright future ahead of me but I know I can make games and that is enough for me to be okay and even kinda happy.
I can't imagine how hard and painful it must have been to make this game and let people play it, let alone experience the things narrated in it. This game is the kind of art that leaves me uncapable of saying something meaningful, so i'll just say that I sincerely wish you happiness.
i feel empty. part of it might be a sort of emotional disconnect from viewing a life far away from mine. part of it might be because of the themes of this game.
one thing i can relate to a little is the messages on the website (i forgot the name of it already) but i've seen some things on another site (which i will not disclose) which while are not quite as severe but remind me of some of those messages.
other than that i don't have much to say other than i hope you're doing alright.
was i sincere with that last sentence or was i just unconsciously morally obligated to say that? i'm not sure. morality is a little weird for me.
oh i'm okay. just a bit empty and tired since it's late. what i meant in that last part is i was having a little crisis of what it means to wish a stranger well.
You've made something that stands out, this made me feel things that I've never felt before and this piece of art will inspire others to make things as sublime as this. I hope you've found solace and some form of peace. Thank you for making this.
Yeah, I'll be honest day one of posting this and the making it process were scary as heck and traumatic.
But at the end, no longer having to have the "i'll die with this secret shame deal" and just getting to be a normal person means so much to me. It's not a magic cure-all but omg like idk???
Anyways, thank you for playing this through to the end.
I had to push myself to play this game. There was so much here that made me feel uncomfortable, knowing that how I was feeling was a pale reflection of what you felt.
I was so happy to see the epilogue pop up, to know that it was nearly over. Throughout the game, you explain how you didn't have a story or a film moment, a moment where everything slotted into a neat narrative structure, no act breaks or montages. But you gave it to us, so we could experience your story without being left in limbo. I hope that by making this game, you've managed to continue on this path out of that place.
Yeah, I no longer have the massive "I'm going to die with this secret" type shame.
I know that's weird to say but if I had to tell this story like in person to a bunch of people like an audience it would've been impossible for me. Now though, I know after having had a ton of players that it is okay. It just is okay and it's not the end of the world and it doesn't define me.
What I thought was something I had to keep secret was fine. That's a big deal and idk, it's hard to overstate that.
At the same time, please don't take me a stranger fussing at you the wrong way but it's totally okay to not play this or play it to the end. You shouldn't have to be exposed to traumatic shit out of some sense of morality or because bad stuff happened to me.
It's more a kind idk, play if you can and want to but no pressure deal. I really hope that you're doing okay and are fine after this though. Thank you again for playing.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but I grew weaker every moment and thought I wouldn't be able to finish it. This is pretty heavy... thank you for sharing this with us. Good things will happen, better days, weeks, months and years will come. Sending lots of luv xx
This is a really powerful game, using its storytelling and visual themes very effectively to communicate about your trauma. I'm glad you are in a place to make this game. Thank you.
(Finishing comment, since i wrote the first part late)
I think the simple but strong visual language of this game is a perfect pairing for communicating about your trauma. It's clear what you want to say: not condemnation of SW or even of particular people (at least, not as a focus even for the john), but just an honest conversation with the viewer about your trauma. The way it intertwines with familial trauma and poverty. I can't imagine making this was easy for you, and I hope that making it and seeing it impact viewers and yourself helps you. I believe you deserve it. Again, thank you. Please be safe and be kind to yourself.
I am sorry about the delay in responding to your comment. I am an organizer on the queer games bundle so that's been my priority lately.
I didn't want to demonize the john because to be perfectly honest, he was just paying for something and getting what he agreed to. He didn't really do anything wrong it just happened he ended up with someone not mentally equipped for that.
I didn't want to demonize or disrespect anyone or view anyone not as a person. My goal wasn't to tear anyone down but just get over my shame and this game accomplished that.
It was very hard to write and led to a longer delay between my games than usual because it hurt a lot. At the of the day though, I have a lot less shame now. I can't overstate how big of a deal it is to not to live being like "I'll die with this secret.".
I'm still really exhausted so please excuse this message if it's a bit ranty but thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing this story and making this game, your story telling is great and this game surely had its impact on me. It was quite hard to play through but Im glad I did. Though it was just a small glimpse into your life I wish you the best and goodluck in your days to come. Truly a beautiful piece of work.
thank you for making this. i'm happy i played it. i also played Do I Pass? not too long ago and i gotta say you're really good at telling stories. this game is going to stick with me. you made something really special and i hope you're safe and doing well.
I'm doing okay, I wouldn't have been able to make a game like this if I weren't safe and okay. I'm not sure I have a bright future ahead of me but I will continue to make games.
Thank you for playing this to the end. I'm glad you enjoy the stuff I make.
By sharing this you are helping people. You are helping yourself. You are being yourself. You will live with this forever, but you will live. Just keep on living.
I don't know if I am helping people or not. This game wasn't designed to help people but I get what you mean.
You are right I'll live with this for the rest of my life and it did help me. I was going to spend the rest of my life hiding a secret shame until I died.
Now I can just move on. Which is what I needed so badly.
I played it. I didn't feel much but that's on me. I think you worry too much but that's also on me. I'd tell you it was nice but I guess it really wasn't, it's yours and you told it and i believe that's what matters. Good luck with everything, maybe everything will turn out alright.
I completed the game. I hear you. You have released this game and the world has not crumbled around you. People are experiencing it to the end and listening. More people will do so, and the world will not end. Best of luck to you in anything you do in the future.
This is such a melancholy game. My heart hurts for you. I'm glad you were able to tell your story, because it's a story that deserves to be told. Both for yourself, and for everyone else who is still building up the strength to do it.
The interactive components push the storytelling medium to immerse the player emotionally in such a seamless way. This had such a different impact and catharsis than if it were presented as an essay.
Thanks for sharing that vulnerable slice of your innermost self with us.
This game. I don't even know what to say. I'm still coming out of my own dissociation, but it's ok if I don't know what to say because there are no words that can describe how impactful this game is.
I'm not even trans, I'm a young early 20s cis guy. But this hit. It hit really hard.
[A note to the creator of the game, in case you don't read my entire ramblings because I wouldn't blame you. I didn't expect to run through my trauma like that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the game. For the experience. It's not about me, not for me, but it helped me. I hope making it helped/helps you too. Thank you for everything, and that's not a thanks you have to accept. I don't want to put that pressure on you.
It's a great game, and I'm cheering you on. You are a person and that's more than enough for me.
For some, it's not easy being a person, but you most certainly are. I won't say you're a good person, nor a bad person. That's for you to decide for yourself on your own terms, but I will say, you are a person, and that's beautiful.]
[Trigger Warning and Spoilers Past this Point] When I got to the inbox sections, I stopped and shared with everyone I know I could share it with, including a bunch of trigger warnings and what not but I felt like I needed to share. It wasn't my story, but at parts, it felt like it was. That's terrifying.
I paused the 2nd time at the stairs. Those stairs. Door unlocked. Quiet Empty Apartment. Way too clean. Way more expensive than my family could afford. Darkness, but just enough to see.
I won't go any further than that. But... I was 17 then for 2 more months. I still held onto the concept of virginity. I'd been catfished on Facebook, and I knew the warning signs, but it was 1-2 AM and I wasn't being rational. I don't even think I was that horny. They paid for my Uber. The driver was really nice. When they drove me back I'd imagined the silly idea of the one cab driver who picks you up all the time and becomes a friend who can get you where you need to go. "I'm Johnny on the spot" like in GTA V. I never saw them again. I stopped responding on Facebook days later. When I got home I had the audacity to tell my Mother nothing and that everything was ok; she was there when I left. She was worried but she trusted me. My Mom works really early in the morning. I went to sleep for as long as I could before school the next day. Just like in the game. I didn't feel traumatized. I didn't feel like anything changed, just another school day. I didn't tell anyone I'd 'lost my virginity' I didn't. I kept it close to me and I never let go it was MINE. I remained a virgin until my 22nd birthday. And yet it wasn't as awkward as most first time stories, because it wasn't. Not really. Those stairs. That dark room. I didn't feel any pleasure. I was frustrated because it. Maybe there was a little, but it wasn't for me. I never really saw them, it was too dark. That was the point right? I was confused, dazed, and lost. When they called themself the F word, not one I was familiar with. I don't know if I knew then, or not. I feel like I should have, but I don't think I knew they weren't AFAB until my suspicions caught up to me, but at the same time I very well could have known and ignored. I didn't know I was pansexual for two more years, polyamorous even But back then, I was confused. And then #MeToo happened. When I learned that consent can be taken BACK. That the thing I agreed to was not what I agreed to, that it wasn't a choice I had made, no I made a different choice, and I got the wrong order. 13 Reasons Why happened, season 2 happened Tyler happened. That scene where he stood up, other men and boys stood up alongside the women happened. Where I wanted to stand too. Where I was confused and said hurtful things to two close friends who'd had yet to come out to me, and I wouldn't blame them. When I'd finally revealed the details of what happened to me and they told me that when I'd mentioned it before, that they thought I had made it up. I don't even know why I would have, but it struck me. I'm not the only one dealing with stuff that makes it hard to deal with others own 'stuff'. My best friend in the 2 short years I went to college for free, took me to go pet cats at a shelter/animal therapy place across the highway next to campus after a Mental Health confession board was but up in the middle of the café and I had for the first time in three years; dissociation from that event, that's when I first accepted that I had PTSD. Now, I'm ok. It still haunts me, but it doesn't scare me. It's not something I can't think about, even if uncomfortable. Though, I still worry about not saying anything. That I let a predator go, that other people could be hurt the same way I had because I didn't speak up. I still haven't told my Mother, how could I? My Mother is the sweetest, kindest, and most caring person on this planet and I know she's working through her own Trauma, for her to know, to tell her, would be me intentionally hurting her because I know it would hurt her. Forbidden knowledge that hurts those who knows it, then do not speak if you wish to protect the one's you care most about... Right? I barely mentioned it to my girlfriend because I love her so much. My sister knows I have some sort of trauma, and she has hers. She respects me, and I return that in full even if never discussed aloud. I think, I've said everything I needed to, Thank you.
I totally understand. It really did and I had a good day today. Sometimes there isn't any answers, things are what they are and you just gotta step forward, out of the old, into the new. I always say to prioritize future you, and strive to the past you that future you will thank for getting them where they are.
I am still scared because I am waiting for the hammer to drop on me. I've always felt like if I told this story my life would be 100% ruined and instead I'm still just here.
My hope is that feeling will go away and then with the shame gone I'll just be a more normal person.
Damn, what a game. The main character design is reminiscent of Oyasumi Punpun. I especially liked the Sally story-arc. That smile before going in is so captivating and horrifying at the same time. And a really well-written character in general, I'd like to see more of her, especially what happens in-between the time-skip to the mom's conversation.
i cant describe how haunting this is. everything about your art and your writing made this feel like a direct conversation. im sorry that you had to go through this.
Yeah, I am really scared right now. I keep expecting the hammer to drop and checking things. I should be offline and not here but it's hard not to hover over stuff.
I guess the most important thing is to let you know that, I did play it to the end, and it did emotionally affect me. I felt your pain and your suffering, even if just a fragment of them. I won’t forget this.
The things that happened to you are totally fucked up. Of course, you know this now.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn about your trauma.
I hope you do have a happy ending, because you deserve one.
I honestly don't know how to respond to it or talk to people about it either and it's awkward.
I think at the core my goal is to just not feel so much shame about stuff. I think by having made this and sharing it maybe it's like getting desensitized to that fear and shame and just becoming a normal person again.
Thank you for playing this and your kind comment. It means a lot to me.
an incredible game. the art is beautiful, and im amazed at how you made the gameboy mechanics so integral to the story...thank you sm for sharing, taylor, this is like nothing ive played before
(Sorry for the fast reply but I've been nervous about reaction and probably overly refreshing.)
Thank you for your comment. I'm a little out of it but I wanted to share that this was actually partially inspired by a lot of games and is also similar to some of your work like Are u ok?
To be specific the main game that made me decide to try this approach was bagenzo's madotsuki's closet.
Before that game I was deeply lost about how to approach the topic and was thinking writing or a graphic novel would be the strongest way to talk about and deal with it. Unfortunately my issue was things like the "sample scene" or "convenience store" scenes were very much verbs and a graphic novel couldn't handle that.
I played alienmelon's EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK years ago and that game actually came the closest to articulating my experiences with trauma so if you are looking for something similar I would try that. There are actually a bunch of games I'm neglecting that are similar but I'm nervous and ranting but they are on itch.
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i appreciated this. thank you for making it. i'm sorry.
It's okay, thank you for playing this to the end.
Make a blog post next time… Kudos for making a GBA rom though, that is pretty nifty. Maybe you could make an actual game next time.
You literally have a text based game in one of the 4 shitty games you have published. Are you bitter or something?
Yeah like 1 text-based game made with SBCL and LTK, which is more like a tech demo. Not sure what you are getting at. This game is shitty af no offence. The other 3 games might be shitty sure but they can at least qualify as some sort of game. So, f*ck off.
You suck and you will never make it in this industry with this attitude, enjoy being blacklisted by other indie devs, asshole.
lol
Nin, I really appreciate you going out on a limb and being like grr to this guy but no one needs to be blacklisted by anyone.
I am fully aware some people feel I suck and I don't want to destroy people's careers or anything like that just because they told me what they honestly think about how I make games.
Honestly their comments are far kinder than the response I thought this game would get. It's okay.
I'm going to be honest, I thought about your comment a lot.
Structurally, parts of the game would have made more sense as an essay, such as the first few minutes of the game. Other parts genuinely would have been better as a graphic novel.
The issue is that some parts of the game only make sense and work in the format of games. There is no spoiler key I think in itch comments. I don't want to spoiler my own game but some parts of it would only have worked in game format.
The vending machine, sample taking, 7-11 scene, the inbox, and the walk home absolutely only work in the context of games interaction. They were verb actions and only work in the medium known as "games".
This work was messy because it combined graphic novel, essay, and verb actions into a broadly based "games" format.
You are right that it absolutely right that it isn't entirely a verb based game like how puyo puyo or tetris would be. I still think it has value and other people believe that as well.
I also want to note, I'm going to keep making stuff however I feel fit. It is not your choice to determine how or what I make.
I'm not good at English, but I really like this game,like the color design and choice design, I can't describe my feeling exactly. I hope you will be ok.
I can't promise for the future because no one knows what that holds but for now I am okay. I hope you will be okay too.
Thank you for commenting and playing the game.
Thank you for making and sharing this. I hope it has eased some of the pain in some way. It's a real and beautiful game and im so sorry about everything you went through, both stuff in this game and not
Thank you for playing my game, I know I say this a lot to people but it really shocks me that people see value in this game and cared.
Making this game was horrible but in the end it helped. I have a lot less shame now.
Made me tear up. Beautiful game filled with horrifying memories. The portrayal of some scenes was gut-wrenching. My deepest respect to you for making that game. I hope you are doing well
- Chester
I am an organizer on the queer games bundle so I am exhausted right now but I am living a really good life.
I'm glad I got through a ton of bad things and got to make games afterward instead of suicide or living silently in shame for the rest of my life.
I can't say I am going to be 100% okay in the future but for now I'm okay and trying my best and grateful to be alive.
Thank you for playing my game, I hope you are doing okay too.
Amazing game. I just love it. It really is a 30-minute trip into pieces of memories, intimacy and traumas. It is a moving game and a powerful story. Thank you for sharing this publicly. I know this game was difficult and challenging to create for you and I’m happy I’ve played through it. GB Studio is perfect for this type of game too. Congratulations!!!
Hi Velvet, thank you for your kind words.
It is really great to hear from you.
I'm glad you ended up seeing a lot of value in it, I enjoy your games and work a lot too. I hope we can keep making games for a long time yet.
This is absolutely unrelenting. Where some might time skip because it might be too uncomfortable, you continued. The quietness works so well toward that. Thank you for sharing your experiences.
Thank you, I felt it was important for me to not timeskip because those parts are some of the things I'm ashamed of and I wanted to combat that shame.
Thank you for playing my game to the end and listening.
It's strange to play a game from someone else's life and see so much of your own reflected in it. It was very resonant.
Thank you, it is comforting to know I am not alone and others in the gamedev space share my experiences. You saying that means a lot to me.
Same. As I was playing this, I was shocked at how much I could relate to what was going on. How real it was to my own life.
I’m still processing everything, but holy shit this is remarkable/devastating/moving/vital. Thank you for making this game.
It is okay to take your time to process it. Someday I would like to hear your thoughts but also if you end up being busy or life happens that is cool too.
I know you are busy and it means a ton to me that you took the time to play it so soon after launch.
"I didn't feel different. I was just here like I've always been."
This was, in a word, difficult. It's impossible not to go through this without thinking at one point or another how bad something sounds, and quite often, for conflicting reasons. It does an incredible job of sharing a problem, but not forcing it, even if it's on a topic that is far too real to call 'well constructed'. The objective stance taken on several things, despite how easy it would be to turn any one of them into some kind of mouthpiece for an agenda, is beyond admirable.
And the ability not to blame others, even more so.
Sharing your experience like this will undoubtedly bring a slew of people lying about their own just to relate to it better or for attention, but plenty of others with real trauma just like this will also see it. Sifting through the false and real accounts or not, something like this might just save a life, be it from death or just trauma, and that's an incredible thing. It likely doesn't make what you went through any easier, but at least you know that in one way or another, you're helping people.
Truly, incredible work.
Thank you for your kind words. I honestly thought that no one would play this game. While making it, I thought that no one wants to hear depressing stuff but I kept going because I wanted to overcome my shame.
Keeping a secret until you die is a horrible way to live. Thank you for taking the time to play this to the end and seeing value in this.
There's often value in silence, but even more so in breaking it. It just depends on who you break it to. I don't doubt that most people try to avoid depressing things like this, but those that don't have a lot to glean from it, both good and bad. It's very real, and very powerful to those willing to give it the time it deserves.
I'm so glad you don't have to live with that secret any longer, and even if it is just through an online medium, I'm happy that you were able to share it with far more people than you could have expected. I wish you all the best going forward, and I hope that your struggles, efforts to share them, and future endeavors are met with success.
I'm grateful to have shared in your experiences in such a beautiful and honest way. I have experiences not unlike yours shared this game and it's comforting to know I'm not alone in my struggles and my trauma.
You're not alone, you can and will be loved, and I hope and trust that you will come to let yourself be loved.
I look forward to more of your stories and more of your games
<3 <3 <3
After a lot of years I forgot that I wasn't alone and my experiences weren't uncommon.
It's easy to be safe and avoid people rather than connect on a deeper level, I hope someday I can love and be loved by someone. For now though, making games is enough. I am glad we both get to share the path of being artists.
Thank you for your wonderful words.
Wow, this was a really powerful little game. Thank you so much for making it
Thank you so much for playing it to the end.
Thank you for sharing your story <3
Thank you for playing it to the end.
This is powerful. I hope ypu find a measure of peace and catharsis in sharing. My own traumas have given me issues with self esteem I won't get into, and the way you phrased yours made me feel something strong. I don't know WHAT exactly, but big. Thanks for sharing with us.
Thank you so much for playing this. I'm glad it was able to mean something and have something good come out of it.
Honestly part of making this was converting trauma that's meaningless and shameful into something that idk has value and meaning and I can't articulate it but something?
I feel a lot less shame and it helped me, I'm really grateful it did something for you as well.
This was really well done and I want to thank you for sharing your story. Also, you did a fantastic job with the art.
Thank you so much! I see you around in games spaces and idk, it's nice hearing from you and seeing your stuff too.
(Sorry if my message is a little off, I'm currently doing queer games bundle rush too and I'm just running on fumes but it's neat hearing from you again!)
Thank you for sharing this. I have been a fan of your works for awhile now, and this was deeply impactful in a way thats hard to articulate without sounding preachy or condescending. What I can sincerely say is that I'm happy I played it. This kind of pain is not easy to talk about, let alone live with. I genuinely hope you are in a better place now, and that the creation of this game has contributed to that.
I am in a stable enough place that I feel safe to process this stuff. Being able to make games gives my life a lot of meaning and I'm grateful I get to do so.
I'm glad you've been playing my stuff for a while, that means a lot. I hope you'll continue to do so. My next game is probably not going to be too deep because I need something fun maybe? Idk
Anyways it was nice hearing from you!
I am grateful you get to make games as well. I will be sticking around no matter if your stuff in the future is fun or not : > Glad you are doing well!
That was very hard to play through, but it's good.
I hope you're okay now.
I am stable and safe which is enough. I'm not sure I have a bright future ahead of me but I know I can make games and that is enough for me to be okay and even kinda happy.
Great, I hope making and sharing this game has made you feel better in some way, and I wish you good luck, honestly.
This was really hard to finish but I'm glad I did.
Thank you for playing it to the end. When I released it I was afraid that no one would so it means a lot to me that people cared enough to do so.
I can't imagine how hard and painful it must have been to make this game and let people play it, let alone experience the things narrated in it. This game is the kind of art that leaves me uncapable of saying something meaningful, so i'll just say that I sincerely wish you happiness.
Thank you!
i played the game all the way through and well...
i feel empty. part of it might be a sort of emotional disconnect from viewing a life far away from mine. part of it might be because of the themes of this game.
one thing i can relate to a little is the messages on the website (i forgot the name of it already) but i've seen some things on another site (which i will not disclose) which while are not quite as severe but remind me of some of those messages.
other than that i don't have much to say other than i hope you're doing alright.
was i sincere with that last sentence or was i just unconsciously morally obligated to say that? i'm not sure. morality is a little weird for me.
I'm not sure I understand your message but I hope you are okay?
Also you don't have to like me or want me to be okay, it's cool. If everyone liked me or were kind to me, it'd be creepy.
Anyways, thank you for playing my game to the end.
I hope you feel better soon.
oh i'm okay. just a bit empty and tired since it's late. what i meant in that last part is i was having a little crisis of what it means to wish a stranger well.
Oh, that's cool. I'm glad you're okay. Thank you for getting back to me. :)
thanks for worrying about me i guess. what is either my natural empathy or sense of moral obligation wishes you well.
You've made something that stands out, this made me feel things that I've never felt before and this piece of art will inspire others to make things as sublime as this. I hope you've found solace and some form of peace. Thank you for making this.
Yeah, I'll be honest day one of posting this and the making it process were scary as heck and traumatic.
But at the end, no longer having to have the "i'll die with this secret shame deal" and just getting to be a normal person means so much to me. It's not a magic cure-all but omg like idk???
Anyways, thank you for playing this through to the end.
I had to push myself to play this game. There was so much here that made me feel uncomfortable, knowing that how I was feeling was a pale reflection of what you felt.
I was so happy to see the epilogue pop up, to know that it was nearly over. Throughout the game, you explain how you didn't have a story or a film moment, a moment where everything slotted into a neat narrative structure, no act breaks or montages. But you gave it to us, so we could experience your story without being left in limbo. I hope that by making this game, you've managed to continue on this path out of that place.
Yeah, I no longer have the massive "I'm going to die with this secret" type shame.
I know that's weird to say but if I had to tell this story like in person to a bunch of people like an audience it would've been impossible for me. Now though, I know after having had a ton of players that it is okay. It just is okay and it's not the end of the world and it doesn't define me.
What I thought was something I had to keep secret was fine. That's a big deal and idk, it's hard to overstate that.
At the same time, please don't take me a stranger fussing at you the wrong way but it's totally okay to not play this or play it to the end. You shouldn't have to be exposed to traumatic shit out of some sense of morality or because bad stuff happened to me.
It's more a kind idk, play if you can and want to but no pressure deal. I really hope that you're doing okay and are fine after this though. Thank you again for playing.
I wasn't sure what to expect, but I grew weaker every moment and thought I wouldn't be able to finish it. This is pretty heavy... thank you for sharing this with us. Good things will happen, better days, weeks, months and years will come. Sending lots of luv xx
Thank you so much for playing this through to the end. I know I might sound like a broken record but it means a lot and I hope you are okay now.
This is a really powerful game, using its storytelling and visual themes very effectively to communicate about your trauma. I'm glad you are in a place to make this game. Thank you.
(Finishing comment, since i wrote the first part late)
I think the simple but strong visual language of this game is a perfect pairing for communicating about your trauma. It's clear what you want to say: not condemnation of SW or even of particular people (at least, not as a focus even for the john), but just an honest conversation with the viewer about your trauma. The way it intertwines with familial trauma and poverty. I can't imagine making this was easy for you, and I hope that making it and seeing it impact viewers and yourself helps you. I believe you deserve it. Again, thank you. Please be safe and be kind to yourself.
I am sorry about the delay in responding to your comment. I am an organizer on the queer games bundle so that's been my priority lately.
I didn't want to demonize the john because to be perfectly honest, he was just paying for something and getting what he agreed to. He didn't really do anything wrong it just happened he ended up with someone not mentally equipped for that.
I didn't want to demonize or disrespect anyone or view anyone not as a person. My goal wasn't to tear anyone down but just get over my shame and this game accomplished that.
It was very hard to write and led to a longer delay between my games than usual because it hurt a lot. At the of the day though, I have a lot less shame now. I can't overstate how big of a deal it is to not to live being like "I'll die with this secret.".
I'm still really exhausted so please excuse this message if it's a bit ranty but thank you for your kind words.
Thank you for sharing this story and making this game, your story telling is great and this game surely had its impact on me. It was quite hard to play through but Im glad I did. Though it was just a small glimpse into your life I wish you the best and goodluck in your days to come. Truly a beautiful piece of work.
Thank you for playing this game through to the end.
thank you for making this. i'm happy i played it. i also played Do I Pass? not too long ago and i gotta say you're really good at telling stories. this game is going to stick with me. you made something really special and i hope you're safe and doing well.
I'm doing okay, I wouldn't have been able to make a game like this if I weren't safe and okay. I'm not sure I have a bright future ahead of me but I will continue to make games.
Thank you for playing this to the end. I'm glad you enjoy the stuff I make.
By sharing this you are helping people. You are helping yourself. You are being yourself. You will live with this forever, but you will live. Just keep on living.
I don't know if I am helping people or not. This game wasn't designed to help people but I get what you mean.
You are right I'll live with this for the rest of my life and it did help me. I was going to spend the rest of my life hiding a secret shame until I died.
Now I can just move on. Which is what I needed so badly.
I played it. I didn't feel much but that's on me. I think you worry too much but that's also on me. I'd tell you it was nice but I guess it really wasn't, it's yours and you told it and i believe that's what matters. Good luck with everything, maybe everything will turn out alright.
Thank you for this, I think that there is also merit in nothing really mattering and the idea I should chill out.
Edit: I would like to note if I could totally feel no emotions I would but also that's way easier said than done.
thank you for making this story
Thank you for playing it to the end. I know that this was a difficult game to play.
I completed the game. I hear you. You have released this game and the world has not crumbled around you. People are experiencing it to the end and listening. More people will do so, and the world will not end. Best of luck to you in anything you do in the future.
Thank you for playing this to the end. I know it was hard. I really hope that you are right and things will be okay. I guess we will see with time.
This was incredible.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for playing my game to the end.
This is such a melancholy game. My heart hurts for you. I'm glad you were able to tell your story, because it's a story that deserves to be told. Both for yourself, and for everyone else who is still building up the strength to do it.
The interactive components push the storytelling medium to immerse the player emotionally in such a seamless way. This had such a different impact and catharsis than if it were presented as an essay.
Thanks for sharing that vulnerable slice of your innermost self with us.
Thank you for playing this through to the end.
I was and am still scared of how people will react. I am grateful that there have been people who have been kind like you.
This game.
I don't even know what to say.
I'm still coming out of my own dissociation, but it's ok if I don't know what to say because there are no words that can describe how impactful this game is.
I'm not even trans, I'm a young early 20s cis guy.
But this hit. It hit really hard.
[A note to the creator of the game, in case you don't read my entire ramblings because I wouldn't blame you. I didn't expect to run through my trauma like that.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the game. For the experience. It's not about me, not for me, but it helped me. I hope making it helped/helps you too. Thank you for everything, and that's not a thanks you have to accept. I don't want to put that pressure on you.
It's a great game, and I'm cheering you on.
You are a person and that's more than enough for me.
For some, it's not easy being a person, but you most certainly are.
I won't say you're a good person, nor a bad person. That's for you to decide for yourself on your own terms, but I will say, you are a person, and that's beautiful.]
[Trigger Warning and Spoilers Past this Point]
When I got to the inbox sections, I stopped and shared with everyone I know I could share it with, including a bunch of trigger warnings and what not but I felt like I needed to share. It wasn't my story, but at parts, it felt like it was. That's terrifying.
I paused the 2nd time at the stairs.
Those stairs.
Door unlocked.
Quiet Empty Apartment.
Way too clean.
Way more expensive than my family could afford.
Darkness, but just enough to see.
I won't go any further than that.
But...
I was 17 then for 2 more months.
I still held onto the concept of virginity.
I'd been catfished on Facebook, and I knew the warning signs, but it was 1-2 AM and I wasn't being rational.
I don't even think I was that horny.
They paid for my Uber.
The driver was really nice.
When they drove me back I'd imagined the silly idea of the one cab driver who picks you up all the time and becomes a friend who can get you where you need to go. "I'm Johnny on the spot" like in GTA V.
I never saw them again.
I stopped responding on Facebook days later.
When I got home I had the audacity to tell my Mother nothing and that everything was ok; she was there when I left. She was worried but she trusted me.
My Mom works really early in the morning.
I went to sleep for as long as I could before school the next day.
Just like in the game.
I didn't feel traumatized.
I didn't feel like anything changed, just another school day.
I didn't tell anyone I'd 'lost my virginity'
I didn't. I kept it close to me and I never let go it was MINE.
I remained a virgin until my 22nd birthday.
And yet it wasn't as awkward as most first time stories, because it wasn't.
Not really.
Those stairs.
That dark room.
I didn't feel any pleasure.
I was frustrated because it.
Maybe there was a little, but it wasn't for me.
I never really saw them, it was too dark.
That was the point right?
I was confused, dazed, and lost.
When they called themself the F word, not one I was familiar with.
I don't know if I knew then, or not.
I feel like I should have, but I don't think I knew they weren't AFAB until my suspicions caught up to me, but at the same time I very well could have known and ignored.
I didn't know I was pansexual for two more years, polyamorous even
But back then, I was confused.
And then #MeToo happened.
When I learned that consent can be taken BACK.
That the thing I agreed to was not what I agreed to, that it wasn't a choice I had made, no I made a different choice, and I got the wrong order.
13 Reasons Why happened, season 2 happened Tyler happened.
That scene where he stood up, other men and boys stood up alongside the women happened.
Where I wanted to stand too.
Where I was confused and said hurtful things to two close friends who'd had yet to come out to me, and I wouldn't blame them.
When I'd finally revealed the details of what happened to me and they told me that when I'd mentioned it before, that they thought I had made it up.
I don't even know why I would have, but it struck me.
I'm not the only one dealing with stuff that makes it hard to deal with others own 'stuff'.
My best friend in the 2 short years I went to college for free, took me to go pet cats at a shelter/animal therapy place across the highway next to campus after a Mental Health confession board was but up in the middle of the café and I had for the first time in three years; dissociation from that event, that's when I first accepted that I had PTSD.
Now, I'm ok.
It still haunts me, but it doesn't scare me.
It's not something I can't think about, even if uncomfortable.
Though, I still worry about not saying anything.
That I let a predator go, that other people could be hurt the same way I had because I didn't speak up.
I still haven't told my Mother, how could I?
My Mother is the sweetest, kindest, and most caring person on this planet and I know she's working through her own Trauma, for her to know, to tell her, would be me intentionally hurting her because I know it would hurt her.
Forbidden knowledge that hurts those who knows it, then do not speak if you wish to protect the one's you care most about... Right?
I barely mentioned it to my girlfriend because I love her so much.
My sister knows I have some sort of trauma, and she has hers.
She respects me, and I return that in full even if never discussed aloud.
I think, I've said everything I needed to,
Thank you.
My brain is melted because I haven't slept right because of the fear and I was tired before but I read your comment.
I hope that writing it helped.
I don't have any solutions or answers but thank you.
I totally understand.
It really did and I had a good day today.
Sometimes there isn't any answers, things are what they are and you just gotta step forward, out of the old, into the new. I always say to prioritize future you, and strive to the past you that future you will thank for getting them where they are.
Thank you for making this game, it deeply affected me. I hope sharing your feelings and experiences with the world helps you.
I feel a lot less shame now.
I am still scared because I am waiting for the hammer to drop on me. I've always felt like if I told this story my life would be 100% ruined and instead I'm still just here.
My hope is that feeling will go away and then with the shame gone I'll just be a more normal person.
Damn, what a game. The main character design is reminiscent of Oyasumi Punpun. I especially liked the Sally story-arc. That smile before going in is so captivating and horrifying at the same time. And a really well-written character in general, I'd like to see more of her, especially what happens in-between the time-skip to the mom's conversation.
I haven't read Oyasumi Punpun but I need to do so. I should do that.
Thank you for your kind words and for playing my game to the end.
i cant describe how haunting this is. everything about your art and your writing made this feel like a direct conversation. im sorry that you had to go through this.
thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for playing through to the end. This was not an easy game to play through and I appreciate it.
I can’t imagine how terrifying it must be to put something like this out there, let alone live through it. Thank you for telling your story.
Yeah, I am really scared right now. I keep expecting the hammer to drop and checking things. I should be offline and not here but it's hard not to hover over stuff.
I don’t know how to respond to playing your game.
I guess the most important thing is to let you know that, I did play it to the end, and it did emotionally affect me. I felt your pain and your suffering, even if just a fragment of them. I won’t forget this.
The things that happened to you are totally fucked up. Of course, you know this now.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to learn about your trauma.
I hope you do have a happy ending, because you deserve one.
I honestly don't know how to respond to it or talk to people about it either and it's awkward.
I think at the core my goal is to just not feel so much shame about stuff. I think by having made this and sharing it maybe it's like getting desensitized to that fear and shame and just becoming a normal person again.
Thank you for playing this and your kind comment. It means a lot to me.
an incredible game. the art is beautiful, and im amazed at how you made the gameboy mechanics so integral to the story...thank you sm for sharing, taylor, this is like nothing ive played before
(Sorry for the fast reply but I've been nervous about reaction and probably overly refreshing.)
Thank you for your comment. I'm a little out of it but I wanted to share that this was actually partially inspired by a lot of games and is also similar to some of your work like Are u ok?
To be specific the main game that made me decide to try this approach was bagenzo's madotsuki's closet.
Before that game I was deeply lost about how to approach the topic and was thinking writing or a graphic novel would be the strongest way to talk about and deal with it. Unfortunately my issue was things like the "sample scene" or "convenience store" scenes were very much verbs and a graphic novel couldn't handle that.
I played alienmelon's EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK years ago and that game actually came the closest to articulating my experiences with trauma so if you are looking for something similar I would try that. There are actually a bunch of games I'm neglecting that are similar but I'm nervous and ranting but they are on itch.
ah thank you for sharing! i’ll definitely check these games out really soon ;w;
nonetheless i really enjoy your work and am excited to see what you create next!
Thank you, also just as a warning my next things probably not going to be too profound. I just need a break and to work on something fun. Idk.
But yeah idk (sorry im so tired x_x) Also Madostuki's Closet is really really good so I super encourage you to try that one.