He Fucked the Girl Out of Me.

I'm a trans man who did sex work in the past, and so much of this resonates so hard. I think seeing the nastiest side of men kept me in my egg for longer. I especially appreciated someone else talking about how it can be traumatizing to dominate someone.

Thank you for sharing your story. I tried really hard not to cry playing through this. I hope you are doing a lot better now.

just wanted to tell you that i've been playing through all your games & i absolutely love them. you're brilliant. the way you display trauma in your art is something i have yet to learn how to showcase artistically myself - i hope one day to be more like you and put more of who i am into my visual art. <3

Thank you for creating, and sharing that interactive story.

There are so many issues wrapped up together there. Finances, gender issues, sex work, and legality wrapped around it all.

We all (most of us) have issues with finances, and I experienced a bit of a breakdown about a decade ago. Interestingly, I still struggle in almost the opposite way to your expression here. I can accept gifts, but really struggle to accept money. Cash or bank transfers, I feel like I'm selling out, and being bought. Like it needs repaying, and with interest that I can't afford. But I need to feel useful to people. I like to help those around me, and I guess it's not unnatural that they would want to, at least offer something tangible in return. Friends and family used to wave notes at me for helping them, and I'd go into a full on panic attack. I usually ran away without explanation. A thing, I can ignore the monetary cost of. I appreciate it more when I can see that it has me, my interests, or needs in mind, rather than what it would cost in a store. If it's hand-made, it's even more valuable to *me.* I learned to tell people, "I *really* don't like money. I don't like having it, being offered it, being asked for it. I just *hate* it. I know you mean it as thanks, but it feels like a threat." I still can't negotiate a raise with my boss. Can't look at my pay-checks, and my family have to manage the bank. But at least I am working again, and I feel the reward of being a "useful member of society" which is all I ever wanted in return.

All that said, your depictions of how *you* see a gift, compared to how the person offering it does completely connected with my experience.

It's interesting to see how similar, and different we are in that regard.

I went through all the inbox. I can absolutely imagine how I would respond to most of those, and some of them don't even warrant any response at all. However, I'm quite "mature" now. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with them at 19.

I can completely relate to the smell issue too. You start wondering if the smell is just in your head now, because it can't possibly survive all of that. Can it? But you can still smell it, just the same. I've had it with good smells, as well as bad ones though. So there is that.

Jumbled up memories too. I've certainly got a bunch of those, from times when I've been "unwell". Traumatised, I guess, though I don't have an easy trigger to pin on my "traumas", if that's what you'd call them. I just say "unwell". I remember things, but most of them are distorted, disjointed, I don't know what order they go in, how they connect, and I'm sure there are gaps in there I just can't remember at all. Like, how did I get from here to there? I don't remember the journey. What was I doing, or thinking? I have no idea.

The way you present all of that is amazing. You've done a brilliant job. It's so relatable, even though it's come from a different place. Your life, and your trauma are different to mine, but your reactions are very similar. If you need it, I'd say that makes it pretty "normal". I think you must be a very beautiful person, inside, to have been able to express all that in a video game.

In a plutonic way, and through the other side of a video screen, I offer you a hug of love, with no expectation of anything in return. (not sure how you'd send a return anyway) It's not even a physical hug, just the thought of one, so you don't have to touch me to get it. ;) I already played your game. You've earned it. I hope you can accept that as I intended it.

I wish you peace, happiness, and that your wounds only ever heal from here on.

Thank you for sharing this.

That was amazing

Thank you

this is incredible. moving and heartbreaking, and the abstracted art style and powerful imagery fits the story perfectly. it will stick with me, and I've been unable to stop thinking about it since I played it two nights ago. I know lots of people will have found catharsis and closure on their own trauma from playing it. I certainly have, and I hope you have while making it, too.

there's a lot of things I want to put into words about this game but it'd take a long time for me to truly get those thoughts in order. I played through twice making different decisions each time and noticed more and more small details and dialogue on each playthrough. it's just such a powerful work of art, I don't know how else to sum up what a complex rush of emotions this is. thank you so much for making this.

I'm not usually good with words, but thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to open up a wound like this. And not to mention how the system has failed you and many others like you. May there be a better, brighter future for everyone, even you.

Keep shining.

i want to say something but am not sure what, really. i suppose the least i can get out is that i hope this helped you in at least a small way. getting it out there is so hard to do but can help so much and im glad you were able to get to that spot. i hope you are doing well and will get even better at whatever pace fits you.

Thank you for sharing your story.
I come from a quite different experience and throughout the game I wish I could give your little sprite a hug for all you've been through. I mean, the graphics convey it really well and some surprise choices, but I felt the pain while playing. Especially when the deadname came up... I don't know how to explain, it felt like a stab, even if there were also other highly triggering topics. 
And also, for what the words of a stranger on the internet may count, I wanted to tell you it's NOT your fault. It's the people who exploited you in such a vulnerable moment of your life that should feel guilty and ashamed, not you. I hope you're doing better now, please continue devving also, you have talent!

Considering that I am a cisgender computer programmer from Spain and considering how different my life experience has been from yours, I'm surprised by how much this story has emotionally resonated with me. I think writing stories like these (and sharing them with people like me, who don't know you and probably won't get to know you in person) is something extremely brave, and I really do hope it helps you to heal yourself.

I really do think that you will be able to let people love you again. But for that, you have to stop believing that there is something "broken" inside you. There is not: there's only a part of you that is afraid, and that eventually (and with a little help from your will) will stop feeling afraid and start opening up.

"He fucked the girl out of me" is a very strong phrase, but it's not true. The "girl" (the innocence, if you will) is still there and will come out eventually. Innocence can be relearned.

On a totally unrelated note, I was surprised to see GBStudio used for stories as personal as this one. I think you've done an exceptional job in both the telling of the situation and the pacing. While I don't think this piece will be the best you'll ever do, I think it's an excellent start, and I'll be following your work closely.

Sorry for my awful English :)

This game honestly made me cry throughout a lot of it. I related very heavily to the feelings as a very traumatized repeated SA victim, and as a trans person. Something about it puts into words things I can barely even think without spiraling into dissociation. Thank you for telling your story. 

I created this account because I wanted to at least give you a message. It's from a stranger and it's not really much, but I want you to at least see it.

1. Thank you. Thank you for speaking out into what I'm certain was an intense and daunting void. Because that void has heard you. It means something, no matter how little it may feel. You've spoken and have been heard. That's one of the biggest steps it takes to heal. I know from experience what it takes to deal with trauma-for me most recently, trauma about coming out and being able to accept what that actually means, being willing to actually step out and get it away with. 

Guilt really defines the struggles I currently have. It's probably related in some way to the trauma I have. It's not the same trauma, but it's similar enough to actually empathize. I know that fear of abandonment, of guilt over acts out of my control or of miniature wrongs or of any litany of absurd things to be guilty, and I know that view of human connection becoming a transaction. I wish you didn't. I wish no one did. 

That wish only sometimes includes me, and that's the problem. I suspect you know what that feels like as well. You shouldn't, and neither should I. That wish, whether or not I like it at any given time, is for people, and broken people are still people.

I've only recently begun my process of deconstruction, of trying to face those fragments. We're close to the same point of unpacking years upon years of trauma. I know that pain, I hear it and I know it. Every moment is a battle to face. Because anonymity is liberating, I can say personally that it is hell to try and relive, unpack, understand, process, and heal from being nearly knocked out in a pool of water by a stone to the head and to even be able to piece together what actually happened. 

I'm not going to make this a personal vent, however. I just know what it feels like to go through this, to speak the pain, to heal, and especially to get help. It doesn't take illegality to keep me silent, I'm lucky to live when I do: I'm not illegal. But illegality is only part of a repressive, bigoted society. And it's the latter that silences, the law is just a violent enforcement of it.

Silence being broken is the way we get past it and heal from that repression. We've both broken it. And I can tell from everyone before me that you will have the community that actually knows you that will support you. If strangers hear and give back their care, you'll be in good hands with the people you know.

It's hard to rekindle "normal" connection. But you deserve it, you can do it, you will get it back.

You'll be okay.

2. I'm sorry. I can't have done anything, but I am so, so very sorry. I'm sorry but sorry doesn't cut it. I'm sorry maybe because I wish someone heard when I needed it and I wish someone had stepped in. I'm sorry because we live in a world where this is "normal." I'm sorry I'm one person too late to change things for you.

I'm sorry.

Maybe I'll come back and have more to say.

I'm not sure how to put it into words, but this game felt very clear in its message, your message, in a powerful way. Being made to make those decisions myself, regardless of my disconnect through a computer monitor, felt like an unbearable weight. While I can only sympathize, I hope the best for you and your future endeavors. Take it easy out there.

This made me realize that I have similar feelings and experiences if not the same story. I felt at least a small sense of peace at realizing there are others who have had sexual encounters where they aren't sure if it was consensual or not. I hope that your healing journey is seen through til the end (if there is one) - there's peace in knowing I'm not going through my journey alone.

There are some things that we don't/can't/won't share with other people, for our own reasons.

I was a very guilt-driven person in my youth, and the only thing strong enough to supplant that was my long period of disillusionment and nihilism born from pain inflicted by real, ordinary people.

I grew up terrified of being hurt by people and I still somehow found ways to be surprised when the hurt inevitably came at the hands of people who said and did awful things... not because they had to, but because they wanted to.

Because they became disillusioned with humanity's infinite capacity for cruelty, either because they were hurt by it, or they thought that a few news reports were enough to put them at the top of the intellectual food chain. Because they thought it was funny.

Either way, they hurt me with the excuses of cynicism and nihilism and misanthropy. I thought I could tough it out and help fix the past by convincing them to see the error of their ways, but all it did was make them double down on their own cruelty, and that's when I learned that kindness and honesty don't mean much in a vacuum. Same for the golden rule.

That sort of hurt doesn't leave you with a strong emotion. It leaves you with an empty, cold feeling in your center that tears at you over and over, because no number of words could ever be enough to help you or help others help you, because they either can't or won't understand.

That's what it means to face injustice, or any sort of problem that can't be tackled head on.

It eats away at you until there is nothing left but to give up on everything the world has to offer. Because there's no point in playing along with a joke that isn't funny in any sort of context.

And that alone is enough for witty people to treat you like an inhuman being and get away with it with a sneer and an audience full of witty people.

I stumbled around in the dark, facing the doom of my own nihilism... until I found something that gave me my own hope back.

A strange, whimsical JRPG with Disney characters.

I managed to find a reason to keep caring about the world we live in, by finding honest value in a simple tale of honest friendship in a world where people do value honesty and kindness.

I found something to ground me in a sea full of black noise that persists to this day, and for me, that's enough.

People can mock you for finding inspiration in something they choose to see as stupid, but it's always okay to embrace something stupid if it gives you a reason to have meaning again.

Because sometimes, you have to be selfish for your own sake and the sake of the people who matter.

I can tell that it took a lot for you to create this story.

I wish you the best with your future endeavor.

Thank you very much for this cathartic experience.

I think playing this unintentionally peeled back some layers of repression on my own trauma and helped me understand myself better.

Thank you for sharing such a personal story.

wow

I'm so sorry you had to deal with so much and what didnt fit in the game. Your story is incredibly heartfelt, though, it would be so much better if things weren't this unfortunate for you, and so many others. Your work is outstanding and you are absolutely amazing for surviving all of this, i wish you the best, Taylor!

The "it's no one's fault but my own" line really struck me. If I could tell my past traumatized self anything, it's that the terrible things that happened, the unfortunate circumstances that you were born in and find yourself in later, are not your fault. You are worthy of love and respect! 

This is a beautiful, scary, sad game, and I hope that the author is okay. To tell the truth, I haven't usually been that interested in auto-bio games. This one was so well written that it immediately pulled me in. Taylor, if you ever read this, I'm sorry for what  happened to you, and I hope you find peace. You are lovable.

I played this a little over a week ago, and I'm only just "getting over" the experience. I'll try to leave a more articulate review in the future, because this game absolutely deserves it, but for now I will say that it is a beautifully crafted and truly devastating experience. I don't know why, but the scene where you pick out food at the convenience store is what got me to cry. Not even the gut-punch at the checkout, just picking out your snacks and saying you don't have to worry about the money, you can get whatever you want. Maybe because it reminded me of being a little kid and getting a treat at the gas station on Fridays. A very simple, innocent pleasure, and it's sad because of that simplicity and innocence in the face of everything else happening. I don't know. It's hard to explain, or even figure out in my own mind. This is a game that is hard to recommend to people, but I feel like I'd be doing them a disservice by not telling them to play it. Thanks for sharing this very vulnerable thing with us. I hope it has been a positive experience, or at least cathartic.

this, is just, wow. I hope your okay wherever you are. This is beautiful and sad. But strangely comforting. Just thank you for making this